'What my client said' part 2.
- lisavictoriabell
- Aug 13
- 5 min read
‘What my client said.’ Part 2.
I often hear a comment or phrase from a client in therapy that amuses me. In this series, I will take a look at phrases spoken by my clients in our work together and with their permission, share their comments with you all.
In each blog entitled ‘What my client said’ I will contextualise the individual clients’ quote and provide understanding.
‘Same guy, different font!’ With thanks to E.M. (2026).
(Wix media, 2026)
My client and I had been working on abusive relationships with partners and considering why it seemed that she choses the ‘wrong type’ every time.
Perhaps there is more at play than we realise! Do we have a ‘type’? Are we subconsciously choosing partners to heal early negative experiences in relationship? Or are we replaying certain situations to fix what went wrong in previous past relationships?
The human mind is programmed to prefer safety and security and so after experiencing a relationship that was abusive, it would be logical to assume that the next partner we chose would be completely different to the abuser. Paradoxically we may seek a partner with similarities to the abuser. This is our traumatised nervous system mistaking familiarity, for safety in a sort of ‘better the devil you know’ situation.
According to the Manhattan Therapy Collective, (no date) when the mind ‘seeks to rewrite history by choosing a familiar profile with a different ending’ it is engaging in Sigmund Freuds’ (1920) theory known as ‘repetition compulsion.’ By choosing someone similar to the previous abusive partner, or an emotionally unavailable or abusive parent this ‘often recreates the same dynamic rather than healing it.’ Dr Ekhelikar (no date) states that this behaviour ‘reinforces negative self-beliefs.’
This illustrates how trauma can cause the brain to create maladaptive patterns, not to mention dumping trauma on the unsuspecting new partner. (Manhattan therapy collective, no date).
Repetition compulsion is driven by beliefs that occur when we experience difficult or abusive relationships. If we are the survivors of an abusive relationship, resulting in poor self-esteem, we might believe that we do not deserve a ‘better’ relationship. Dr .Ekhelikar (Manhattan therapy collective, no date) states that in this situation ‘your negative feelings about yourself may reduce your energy levels, interest in hobbies and motivation to make choices that nurture yourself ‘ such as looking after your health and being with people that you love.’
In addition, the traumatised person may believe that a similar person might heal the pain previously caused or may allow them another chance to fight old battles previously lost.
An example of repetition compulsion in the life of a person I encountered many years ago follows. The name and setting have been changed to protect the identity of the survivor.
Ruby had been invited to a birthday party at the bowls club. She was happy to attend alone as she knew some of the people who were attending. She had a great time and had made new friends. As the new friends were about to leave, they offered her a lift home. As numerous people were going to be in the car, Ruby felt safe to accept the lift. After the other passengers were dropped off, she was sexually assaulted by the driver. Ruby reported the assault to the police who seized her clothing for forensic examination.
Six weeks later, Ruby was invited to an engagement party at the same venue. She went shopping for a new outfit to wear to the party. Ruby chose the exact outfit that had been seized by the police as it had been brand new and she really liked it. Some of the crowd from the birthday party were at the engagement celebration and Ruby was offered a lift by the same man at the end of the night.
……….At this point, you may be yelling ‘NO’ and your rational brain will be backing that up with every seemingly obvious reason not to accept the lift however…
Rubys brain responded from place of trauma. She felt the need to replay the scene whilst seeking a more favourable ending. She wanted to wear what she liked and have a good night before arriving safely at home. The fact that she had experienced complex trauma since childhood, together with being intoxicated, likely exacerbated the lack of sound judgement in a brain that has been traumatised. Unfortunately Ruby was assaulted by the driver for a second time.
How can we change the pattern?
Awareness
We know that after experiencing trauma, a persons response to potential threat can be counterproductive. In identifying that we respond from a place of trauma is a good start because once we know this, we can work on healing the pattern.
My first counselling tutor, (you know who you are! I can’t cite you as I need the module title, module name and exact date! Seriously?) stated that if we experience a big emotion or overreaction to a situation, likely that is where the work is for us.
This idea may apply here; According to Manhattan therapy collective, (no date) ‘if you feel an instant intense pull to this new person, that spark is often old trauma, not true compatibility’.
Journalling.
It would be beneficial to set aside time to journal about what traits in the abusive partner/ parent attributed to the poor outcomes, the parts that you wanted to fix about the abuser, or battles you lost. By bringing these things to mind, you can notice any red flags or similarities in new relationships and make healthier choices.
It is important to note that if we have experienced an abusive relationship and the abuse was followed by profound apologies and deep regret and sometimes tears, the sudden relief can feel euphoric as we experience a surge of dopamine. The impact can be the holding on to the ‘good times’ and disregarding the bad, believing that our love for this person is more powerful than with anyone else. In fact what is actually happening is , is ‘trauma bonding’ as we experience the highest highs and lowest lows together. It is essentially a chemical high, not deep love!
Warning!
When we meet someone new, and we do not experience the same highs as in the abusive relationship, it may feel flat or boring!
A healthy relationship relies on ‘steady, healthy actions’ in the here and now and not what traits the person may have potential for. (Manhattan therapy collective, 2026).
Communication and Respect.
If we think about what we really want in relationship, we can achieve those things by effectively communicating and by setting personal boundaries from the start of the relationship. Boundary setting is a truly cathartic practice, as we are respecting ourselves and what we are willing to accept in relationship with another. We can achieve highs when we get our needs met. Whilst really listening to the needs of the other, we may reach deeper connection whilst avoiding our projection of previously unhealed wounds. Remember that each partner we chose is an individual person with unique experiences, morals and needs. If those do not align with what you want in relationship, they are not the person for you.
Changing the pattern begins with self-love and respect.
You can read more about repetition compulsion here:
Reference list:
Freud, S. (1920) Beyond the Pleasure Principle. London: International Psycho-Analytical Press.
Manhattan therapy collective (no date) Manhattan therapy collective. Available at: https://manhattantherapycollective.com/blog-manhattan-therapy-collective/how-trauma-affects-dating-choices (Accessed: 13 August 2026).
Comments