'What my client said!'

lisavictoriabell
Mar 17
4 min read

I often hear a comment or phrase from a client in therapy that tickles me. I have decided with each clients’ permission, to share their comments with you all.

This space will be regularly updated with 'what my client said', together with context and maybe a little bit of learning.

March 2026

'A Sh*t Ripple'

With thanks to A.S.(2025).

My client had been describing how many people are continually affected by the actions of a particular person with limited emotional intelligence.

As the Dalai Lama once said, 'Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far reaching effects.'

What is emotional intelligence?

Emotional intelligence refers to an individual having the ability to recognise their emotions as they arise, together with the ability to name and regulate their emotions in healthy ways. Also, having compassion and sensitivity for the feelings of others.

Perhaps it may be easier to give an example of what low emotional intelligence might look like.

Image: (theretirementmanifesto.com, 2022)

Let us imagine that Jack and Sam are a couple who have been invited to attend a close friends’ wedding. On the day of the wedding the couple argue about the colour of the neck ties they each want to wear. Jack wants them both to wear powder blue coloured ties and Sam thinks that they should wear a different colour as the bridesmaids and flowers at the wedding will be powder blue. Jack decides that he does not want to attend the wedding with Sam and so his decision is the metaphoric pebble in this scenario.

Once the pebble has dropped, the ripples that occur might look like the following;

Sam decides not to go to the wedding alone as he feels ashamed to tell the bridal party the reason why Jack is not attending, nor lie about the situation.

The married couple will likely feel upset and concerned that their friends are not at their wedding.

The bridal party might feel upset for the newly married couple as their friends did not attend and there are empty seats at the intimate but lavish dining tables.

The parents of the couple may feel angry that they paid for a meal for the absent friends.

Jack may feel ashamed to apologise to the newlyweds and so avoids them in future.

The married couple might feel that Jacks’ non-attendance was because he did not support their union. …. And so, the ripples continue.

Now let’s replay the scenario but this time as if Jack had good emotional intelligence:

Jack told Sam that he was not going to the wedding. Soon after Jack may have noticed that his response was an overreaction. If he had given himself some time to question what was going on for him in that moment, he might have realised that his reaction was coming from a place of shame that he had not realised that it was considered impolite for wedding guests to wear the same colours as the bridesmaids’ dresses and wedding flowers. Then he could have owned his feelings by telling Sam what he had realised and apologised for his overreaction. As a result, Jack would have felt better about the situation, not held any resentment towards Sam and attended the wedding as planned.

WARNING!

According to Weissman, low emotional awareness is linked with an increased risk for numerous health issues including anxiety and depression. (brain.harvard.edu, 2020). In addition, it can impact how we understand and manage ourselves and the ability to interact with others and manage our relationships.

We all want to avoid that, right?

And so….how do I become emotionally intelligent??

Working with a counsellor / psychotherapist could fast-track the process (of course!)

According to Daniel Goldman (1998) There are 2 areas of focus:

Intrapersonal

(or taking place within our own mind.)

& Interpersonal

(Relating to relationships and communicating with others.)

Intrapersonal- what takes place inside our own mind

Self-awareness	This refers to the understanding of ourselves in relation to: . What motivates us . Our values and beliefs . Our morals or rules that we live by . Our goals.
Self-regulation of our emotions (Perhaps the most difficult element of emotional intelligence)	. The ability to recognise what triggers an emotional response in us. . Identifying the link between how we experience something and our response to it. . This may involve the need to change the way that we see things. . The ability to manage our stress.
Self-motivation	. Understanding what our internal drives are to react and act in different circumstances. . Adopting positive thinking is important in self-motivation as is creating a good environment including a support network and finding ways to manage worry.

Interpersonal. Relating to personal relationships and communicating with others.

Relationship management	. Personal growth and development and well-being depend upon our relationships with numerous others. . We show up differently with different groups or individuals in our lives and understanding this helps us to manage relationships effectively . Build new relationships and develop social systems.
Social skill	. This refers to the ability to help others to grow and develop. . Have empathy. By helping others with conflict management, effective communication, problem solving and moving forwards towards reaching their goals are all skills that can be learned.